The Art of Waiting
I recall reading a book on meditation a few years ago. One
chapter described life as swinging from one trapeze to another. Constantly we
are experiencing change in our life and not always do we have the support of a
trapeze swing in our hands. The idea, the book explained, was to embrace those
moments of floating—of complete suspension—between trapeze swings. Accept the
uncertainties in life, then go beyond and learn to embrace them. As I have learned
more about meditation, and become a regular practitioner, I realize the beauty
of this metaphor. The trapeze artist moves with ease and grace. She reaches for
the next trapeze swing to propel her forward, but doesn’t grasp or clutch
desperately to the swing that came before.
This metaphor has been in the back of my mind for a few
weeks now. Three weeks ago I interviewed for a fantastic position in
Sacramento. Two weeks ago I interviewed a second time. One week ago I
interviewed again. This week: I have waited. With the trapeze swing of law school
rescinding in the next few weeks, I have entered a state of weightlessness and
am about to let go. It is really
exciting; it is really terrifying.
But I am a novice trapeze artist—I desperately seek something to grab on to.
Yet, here I am on the verge of total suspension waiting to see if the next
swing is offered. A civil war breaks out in my chest thinking about it, so I shift to my
meditation practice and take a deep breath. Then another….
The Scenarios:
Number 1: If I get the job in Sacramento, Doug and I move
there after our finals in May. I would start work immediately and he would
study for the bar exam over the summer. We would try to rent a condo where we
can have the Chocolate Lab that we have always talked about. We would have a
home to come back to after our marriage. We would have health insurance!
Number 2: If I do not get the job in Sacramento, Doug and I
would put all of our furniture in storage by June. We would move out of San Francisco and study for the bar together (this part would be fun, despite the exam).
After taking the bar, we will await our results. We will live out of our
parent’s homes. We will pass the time by applying for jobs, but many employers
want a bar card before considering you... so Doug will have to bartend... I suppose I
am coordinated enough to wait tables. We will get married in October... Loans
will go into repayment in November… and … I’m terrified. And maybe getting ahead of myself...
The Suspension Is
Killing Me!
Despite my lofty talk of meditation and metaphors, this week
has been a struggle. I have three very strong emotions warring in my chest:
excitement, fear and doubt. I suppose fear and doubt can be collapsed into one,
so maybe it’s just two. It’s hard to tell; it’s a warzone in there.
It’s Saturday. Last Wednesday my interview ended with: “Tracy, thank you for your time. We will be
in contact early next week.” Since Monday I have monitored my phone and
email account incessantly. I leave my phone for an hour, then rush back and
clutch it with Gollum-like desperation. Just give me a sign!
Wednesday was the peak of my desperation. I sat with my
Corporations book open on the table and my phone a few inches to the right. My
eyes read something about the Duty of Loyalty owed by the Board of Directors in
a Corporation, but my mind analyzed the definition of “early next week.”
Walking to school through Golden Gate Park I started to feel
better. Maybe they’re just waiting to
surprise me. It will be like Publisher’s Clearinghouse. They are going to show
up, balloons in hand with a giant contract. They are going to laugh at my
shock, telling me they knew it was me all along… they thought I knew! I
decided this must be the case.
Today, Saturday morning, I am not so sure. After a week of
agony I have arrived at apathy. No doubt my emotions will shift again soon. All
I can do is wait. And breathe.
