The Art of Waiting

The Art of Waiting

I recall reading a book on meditation a few years ago. One chapter described life as swinging from one trapeze to another. Constantly we are experiencing change in our life and not always do we have the support of a trapeze swing in our hands. The idea, the book explained, was to embrace those moments of floating—of complete suspension—between trapeze swings. Accept the uncertainties in life, then go beyond and learn to embrace them. As I have learned more about meditation, and become a regular practitioner, I realize the beauty of this metaphor. The trapeze artist moves with ease and grace. She reaches for the next trapeze swing to propel her forward, but doesn’t grasp or clutch desperately to the swing that came before.

This metaphor has been in the back of my mind for a few weeks now. Three weeks ago I interviewed for a fantastic position in Sacramento. Two weeks ago I interviewed a second time. One week ago I interviewed again. This week: I have waited. With the trapeze swing of law school rescinding in the next few weeks, I have entered a state of weightlessness and am about to let go. It is really exciting; it is really terrifying. But I am a novice trapeze artist—I desperately seek something to grab on to. Yet, here I am on the verge of total suspension waiting to see if the next swing is offered. A civil war breaks out in my chest thinking about it, so I shift to my meditation practice and take a deep breath. Then another…. 

The Scenarios:

Number 1: If I get the job in Sacramento, Doug and I move there after our finals in May. I would start work immediately and he would study for the bar exam over the summer. We would try to rent a condo where we can have the Chocolate Lab that we have always talked about. We would have a home to come back to after our marriage. We would have health insurance!

Number 2: If I do not get the job in Sacramento, Doug and I would put all of our furniture in storage by June. We would move out of San Francisco and study for the bar together (this part would be fun, despite the exam). After taking the bar, we will await our results. We will live out of our parent’s homes. We will pass the time by applying for jobs, but many employers want a bar card before considering you... so Doug will have to bartend... I suppose I am coordinated enough to wait tables. We will get married in October... Loans will go into repayment in November… and … I’m terrified. And maybe getting ahead of myself...

The Suspension Is Killing Me!

Despite my lofty talk of meditation and metaphors, this week has been a struggle. I have three very strong emotions warring in my chest: excitement, fear and doubt. I suppose fear and doubt can be collapsed into one, so maybe it’s just two. It’s hard to tell; it’s a warzone in there.

It’s Saturday. Last Wednesday my interview ended with: “Tracy, thank you for your time. We will be in contact early next week.” Since Monday I have monitored my phone and email account incessantly. I leave my phone for an hour, then rush back and clutch it with Gollum-like desperation. Just give me a sign!

Wednesday was the peak of my desperation. I sat with my Corporations book open on the table and my phone a few inches to the right. My eyes read something about the Duty of Loyalty owed by the Board of Directors in a Corporation, but my mind analyzed the definition of “early next week.”

Walking to school through Golden Gate Park I started to feel better. Maybe they’re just waiting to surprise me. It will be like Publisher’s Clearinghouse. They are going to show up, balloons in hand with a giant contract. They are going to laugh at my shock, telling me they knew it was me all along… they thought I knew! I decided this must be the case.

Today, Saturday morning, I am not so sure. After a week of agony I have arrived at apathy. No doubt my emotions will shift again soon. All I can do is wait. And breathe.